Grief and Loss part II

Tuesday morning a caring group of people gathered to listen to Linda Cliff,  discuss grief and loss from the perspective of a hospice nurse.
Some of the key points raised were:
 "Grief as a Life Journey."  
  Grief is a process and we never "get over it."  We will move on.  We will find a new normal
                                  for our lives.  But the  loss we've experienced
                                  is always there and may be  triggered at
                                  unexpected moments. 
                                  This is normal.  This is life. 

"Grief is Complex"
             While the Kubler-Ross model of denial, anger, bargaining,
             depression and acceptance is useful, it is not the only way
             grief is experienced.  All of these stages may occur in one
            day, some may be skipped altogether and they may be
            experienced out of order.  This is normal.  Grief is complex.

"Grief is a process of transforming a relationship , rather than detaching from it."
             As Christians we know that death is not the end. Life is
             eternal.  Love is eternal, but death makes the expression
             of that love different.  It takes time and patience to come
             to terms with that transformed relationship.

"Anticipatory Grief"        
             Sometimes there is a long period of grief that occurs before
             a death.  During that time, people will experience some or
            all of the usual aspects of grief that occur after death.
            Sometimes this makes the bereavement time easier. 
            Sometimes it doesn't.  Each person's grief is individual.

"Multiple Losses"
               Sometimes it feels as though one loss is piled on top of
               another.  The loss of a loved one may necessitate the loss
               of a beloved home.  Deteriorating health may result in loss
              of independence, loss of association.  Financial reverses
              may cause a dramatic shift in life-style.  Grief over these
              losses is natural and normal. 

"Guilt"
            As though bereavement and grief were not hard enough,
            often we add  a layer of guilt to ourselves.  I should have
            done better."  "I should have been more patient."  "I should
            have said 'I'm sorry'."  When these thoughts intrude, try to
            be kind to yourself.  Talk to a supportive friend.  Dwell on
            what you did well.
            You did make the important telephone calls.  You did spend
           days at the hospital or bedside.  You did carry out the final
           wishes.  

"Support"
            Grief hurts.  It is natural to shy away from a grieving person,
            but our presence is one of the greatest gifts we can offer
            our hurting friends.  Listen while they talk.  Invite them to
            tell stories of the departed.  Be willing to hear the same
            story over and over.  Call.  It takes a monumental effort for
            a grieving person to reach out, but they need to hear from
            you.  Make the call.  Go out for coffee.  Take a walk
            together.  Be there.  Another's grief may trigger your own.
            You may cry.  Call anyway.  Call again.

Thanks to Linda for sharing her experience and her knowledge with kindness and compassion.


Editor's Note:  Reference material is from "Medical Care of the Dying," 4th Edition edited by G. Michael Downing, MD and Wendy Wainwright, MEd.  Published by Victoria Hospice Society Learning Centre for Palliative Care
Victoria Hospice has a wealth of materials available which can be downloaded from their website. Go to Victoriahospice.org.